Session 35
Session 35 brought to you by Crystal Wright-Johnson. She decided to bring her at home girls nights and little sister big brother conversations to your ears. While collaborating with other hosts, they plan to be authentic and have real conversations. You may relate, learn, disagree, laugh or cry but we’ll be honest and true to who we are. This podcast wants to grow in ALL ways. So join the conversations and help us do that. New episodes on Wednesdays.
Session 35
Adult Growing Pains
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Cold Open And Concert Banter
SPEAKER_03There we live.
SPEAKER_01First off, it said it was live three minutes ago. And if I said something rude and he had it on record, 20 seconds. Oh what? Y'all see that time right here. Don't worry about that. Don't worry about that. I said something rude too. Y'all don't care. I let her go.
SPEAKER_02I know Jill's gonna cut you off sooner or later. I know the main one was talking. She was the main one that said out. Y'all, when we getting our tickets, and go. And I'm like, I'm not going. She's lucky. She's lucky. Because I don't listen to her music. Oh, how dare you? I told y'all that. I told y'all that last time we're talking about it. I do got retching this. I just I don't listen to her albums. Let me just say that. But I do listen to you know, I wouldn't if it's on the radio. So I'll go.
SPEAKER_01She got some little boxes. Nobody albums, just the radio and little songs. Yeah, you don't know full albums. When I was younger, nobody full album y'all can listen to. I mean, yeah, I can, but I'm saying I haven't lately been. Okay, well, yeah, I do. Glorilla last whole album I listened to. Yeah, like that's listening with an album.
SPEAKER_00I mean, it don't really be that many artists that you can listen to that whole album for me. But no, lately I can like Ellen May, I can listen to her.
SPEAKER_01Oh, I can listen to that. Yeah, I listen to Yana Taylor's whole album. It was a future album. Not sure. She's coming in July.
SPEAKER_00I've listened to it.
SPEAKER_01Who? Cardi B, no skips. Oh, yeah, she is. No skip. No skips. Glorilla, no skips. I ain't even heard the whole album. Glow? I haven't heard the whole album. No skips for me on that. Yeah, I gotta listen to her now. Since you said something. I like ratchet stuff though.
SPEAKER_00I listen to Lil' Dirk in the car. You know, but uh, we're gonna get off into this topic today. Crystal. There's no questions here.
SPEAKER_01Oh all right. You ain't got you know she's not yelling at me since I got here. Y'all got an attitude because she might be with her.
SPEAKER_02You the one answer without her. She told you, she actually got on that. She said, Hey, we'll be getting our tickets. Yeah, y'all was playing. That's okay.
SPEAKER_01But no, my friend. She already said she ain't got no friends on Facebook. Oh so listen, that is not true. Wait, wait, wait. Don't listen to her. I did not say that.
SPEAKER_02She said she ain't got no what?
SPEAKER_01I did not say that. I didn't say that. No, listen, that is not don't listen to her. Don't listen. That's not what happened. A status. Okay, but we didn't even start because we got to get to the bottom of this
A 2014 Facebook Post Resurfaces
SPEAKER_01right fast. What happened? I made a status in 2014. Oh, I did see. And somebody commented on it, and now it's like keep circulating. And everybody. Now everybody mom keeps commenting on. I got a hundred text messages. I got calls. Like, dang, I thought we were closer than that. I'm like, what is happening? How did that imagine? I didn't even know what people were talking about. Okay, well, I wasn't your friend in 2014, so I can say that. How did that happen though? I think I was just making a poll, like, I don't know what I was talking about. I don't need to resurface. Somebody commented on it. And then you know it shows. But I don't know why. How did they get to that? I don't know.
SPEAKER_02They was going through her stuff. That's a long time ago. I don't even think I could see that after she commented.
SPEAKER_01After she commented, like eight more people came and commented. And it was in my period for sure. Whoever that was, yeah. So when I say I was getting at my friend Tessis Monsanto, wow, you feel like you can't talk to me. I'm like, girl, what are you talking about?
SPEAKER_02But you gotta think about it. Like you've been posting a lot. You have no idea, but I mean people been people been looking you up, girl. They had to. People been looking you up.
SPEAKER_01So but I want to know how far do anybody know the answer to that? If you do what put it on the chat, how far can you go, man? You ever been to see your memory? It's still there. I don't know that person. I just thought that's what I'm saying. I just want to know why you can go back. I didn't definitely go away. Like, how did you find that status? That's why how far can other people go back? They can go back far. They can go back far. They can go back all the way to pictures, yes. Yes, yes. I'm a little discovered by that. That's like your scrolling. But you could type it in. I think it's a way you could type it in to find information. You don't gotta keep doing like this. I just felt like people gotta get much time on their hands. Uh-uh. If your page is public, your page is public, ain't it? I don't know.
SPEAKER_00It gotta be.
SPEAKER_01No, because when anytime I make a post, yeah, it was a friend. So whenever I make a post, if I want to make it public, I have to change it. Yeah, you can't. So it's not public. Yeah, my page is not public. I don't know. They swear to God, I ain't got no friends. So that was okay. So now you got friends. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Your girl. Okay. Not the bell. What the bell from it? I didn't even say it had friends. I don't even know what I mean. I said nothing reading.
SPEAKER_01I did. I commented on it. I'm like, y'all, this is from 2014. Stop commenting on this. I kept getting calls. I just deleted the whole thing. I'm like, oh my God. I think I said something like uh because why are people taking it personally? Because it was 2014. Where's my where's my spell check? It was like things, it was like, why did you say that? Okay, it was one number. But if you're not looking at the date, it do look like Crystal just wrote it. Okay. You have to literally look at that's crazy. Yeah, because it's not yeah, you gotta look at the date, but other than that, you weren't paying no attention to the date. Well, Alicia said she looked at, she was like Facebook set you up for failure. They did. She said Facebook was being messy. Facebook is messy. I told y'all it's the queen, the messy girl. The number one queen. Facebook, they definitely wouldn't be messy today on that. Social media shoes. Nah, Facebook is top dog. They messy for that. I
Social Media Privacy And Messy Algorithms
SPEAKER_01think TikTok is. You think TikTok? Well, that's have y'all been to the messy, messy side of TikTok. But see, that's your algorithm, so you don't have to see those. I know all the time because sometimes stuff just be dropping in my TikTok. And I don't even know what I mean. But to have all my change up, pay out everywhere. I like the funny book. You can't be 40 side.
SPEAKER_00You will see 12 races. It's miserable over here. It is Facebook. It's miserable over here. Yeah, but yeah. Neither here.
SPEAKER_01You know why we here tonight, Gian? We here every other Wednesday. Don't bring me on spot like that. I think they are treating me so bold because my bestie is here in time. Oh, you feel on that shirt.
SPEAKER_02Let her have a gym. Let her have a yeah. I'm gonna let her have this one. She she got it. I was assisting that. So let her have it.
SPEAKER_00She got it. She got it.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00So sorry.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
Introducing Adult Growing Pains
SPEAKER_01We have growing pains today. So what did y'all think? I didn't know what the growing was talking about. So what? Why didn't you ask? Because you pulled the little video up, and then I was like, oh, okay.
SPEAKER_00Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_01I'm like, what? Crystal like send contact. I'm like, please, I'm waiting. Did you think about uh childhood growing pants when your legs hurt? I didn't think that's what I pulled up, so I Googled it.
SPEAKER_02I didn't think oh my god, only you.
SPEAKER_01But no, it's not because I know when it booked up, but I didn't know. I Googled it, and that's what it said.
SPEAKER_00So it's like when you a child, everything hurt. Your parents be like, that's true. You know what I'm saying? You that's true, yeah. The legs hurt, this hurt, it's growing, it's growing.
SPEAKER_01So the doctors say that before, too. The doctors be saying that. Yeah, the doctors will tell you about that.
SPEAKER_00That is, I don't know if it's true or not, but it's true. Think about it. Your kid do go to sleep and wake up and then be six feet tall. It's like, okay, well, maybe last week when his knees was hurting, they was figuring out clothes, nothing. They were growing. But so here's so I came across something that made me want to do this topic.
Defining Growing Pains In Adulthood
SPEAKER_00So this is what it said growing pains don't stop in childhood, they change shape in adulthood. Instead of aching legs, it's emotional, mental, and life pressure, discomfort that comes with evolving into who you're becoming. Here's what a grow adult growing pains often look like outgrowing people and relationships, questioning your identity, emotional discomfort, wanting more, but not knowing how to ask for it, setting boundaries and feeling guilty about it, and letting go of our self. Kira. She got a cough.
SPEAKER_01I can't drop. Y'all, this is not gonna work today. I cannot do it. It's felt like last Wednesday. No, I can't work.
SPEAKER_02Anyway, I agree.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's it definitely transfers to that. No, we still gotta go paint our knees too. We still gotta pay no pain in our knees like the kids. No, we do. I'm just playing. But yes, that's very true.
Personal Seasons Of Change And Grief
SPEAKER_01I experienced a lot of growing pains. I think we experience that every day though. Yeah, like I don't think it's uh I mean it is seasons for it. Seasons, you think? There are seasons for it. I think I've been having grown pains for like two years now. Really? Yeah, because a lot of my life changed. My life changed when I got married, so that was uh four years ago, but that was a happy time for me. I wouldn't say it was like growing pain, but I had to cut a lot of people off. Like, so my friend circle changed, I had to grieve that. So that's my growing pain. I had to figure out like, okay, do I even want friends again? Like for real, you know what I'm saying? Like, do I want people in my life like that? You know, like the people that's in my life that's been solid, I didn't question that. But like, okay, so how do I want to move forward with having friendships now? You know what I'm saying? Like, then my kids are getting older. My daughter graduated from high school, then my son, and then I got a divorce, and then had to move. And so it was just a lot. I feel like I've been, I said in my therapist, my therapy session with my ex-husband, like, I've been grieving for two years.
SPEAKER_02Like, and grieving in the city. Okay, put a time on that.
SPEAKER_00You you can because that's why he was saying, like, with growing pains, it's every time a change is coming. And it's like we don't, we choose, we treat discomfort as something that is not supposed to happen. When really it's comfort build character, it builds stress.
SPEAKER_01Like when we have these moments, it's like we want to shut down, we want to stop, we want to give up. But it's like we put this time frame on everything, like, oh, tomorrow I'ma feel better. When, like you just said, you've been in the growing pain season for two years. Some people can be one month, five years, but it's like each time our lives change, we grow through, we go through something, but then we also grow through it.
SPEAKER_00Right. Like each thing that we come out of, we're a different person. Like you said, each step that our children take, like from the toddler stage, from the adolescent stage to teenagers to adulthood, each time as a person, I know myself, I was a different mother each time.
SPEAKER_01Like the version of me now that my younger children have is not the same version of me that I was with my older children. You know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_02My daughter said the same thing to me. Yeah, maybe like she told my daughters. No, she said, she told so she told my 16-year-old daughter, she said, Y'all getting a version of mama that I never got.
SPEAKER_01I said, But you can still get this version of me. You just don't live in my house, but you can still get this version of me. I'm still your mother, yeah. I still parent you. Yeah, you know, it's just different for her though, because they're getting it while they're growing, right? She's still growing, but she's still growing too. I we're just not in the house. She's she moved out, you know. It's different. And she she's doing the damn thing. I'm so proud of my baby. But I want her to stay home. But she don't, but of course, she don't get this version of me because I've changed, you know. So it's it's hard, but you just can't stay in no, like the you can't stay in the sadness of the growing. I feel that's because you know, you know, the discomfort of it. Yeah, yeah. We gotta we have to remember that the person that you want to be and who God wants you to be, come on, there's gonna be some pain behind it, right? So we gotta be okay with that growth. Like, yeah, this journey is supposed to hurt. So the sooner you teach yourself to be okay with these hardships, these trouble times, and learn to pray through them and just get through them, you're gonna you're gonna appreciate it later because everything I went through, I enjoy it now because what it was, it shaped who I am now. So I prefer to be this person than whoever I was 10, 15, 20 years ago. You know what I mean? I prefer this person anyway. So yeah, the grown pains, it hurts, but you just gotta remind yourself it's for a reason. I'm about to be somebody different, I'm about to be somebody better. And you the the more pain we go through, the more you learn. I'm that's why it's a lifestyle change.
Healing Hurts Feeling Feelings Fully
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's why a lot of people don't like healing. You know, it hurts to sit there, and a lot of people don't like to feel the feeling. I don't know if I'm saying it right, but you know, to sit there and just sit there and feel it, and it's work through it and fight through it, and let all that feelings come, like it's okay to cry. Yeah, yeah, it's okay to keep crying, like you know, as long as you know that's a part of the emotion coming out of what you're feeling. You try to suppress those feelings. Like, I used to do that. I'm telling y'all, when I first went through some things, a lot of things five, six years ago. The reason the way I tried to partying, drinking, smoking, like I try everything, not everything. I mean, you don't say that before I try everything, but you know, what's the line that I try to say just trying to suppress those feelings?
SPEAKER_03I think that's all the feelings away trying to drink and what's one of my favorites.
SPEAKER_01So much scenes, you know. That's all real. So you just gotta really fight through those. Once you can do it without doing all that and just work on you, it's it's a wonderful feeling at the end. It is, it is and it's necessary for our journey. So yeah, just gotta keep reminding us of that, and then it's like almost doing an identity crisis within yourself over and over again because that's my thing, relearning myself out of it's so many things that I don't like anymore, you know, so many places that I can't see myself being in anymore. So many people that I can't be around, not because you know, it's a bad thing, it's just you know what comes from these things. So it's like self-awareness teaches you to, you know, it's okay to not be around, it's okay to stand in your truth and be yourself. I think we get so caught up with the identity thing when we're younger because everybody almost in the same circle is doing the same things, living the same way. So it's like once you venture out and see that, it's a whole nother life. The whole man changed. Everything changed. And I think when I went to Tennessee, it's like I put on a new set of glasses. Like I seen so much for myself that I never seen before. You know, we don't we don't really see a lot where we come from. You know, we stuck not. We see what we see. Right. You see who you around and what they're doing, you don't really see what's really available. And I think that's what the internet, a positive part of the internet, is that you get to see it's a whole world out here. It's so many great things that you can do and go accomplish that you can see that's not being taught around you or that nobody around you is doing. And it's okay to be the first one or the only one that's doing it,
Boundaries Without Guilt Or Labels
SPEAKER_01you know what I'm saying? And not only that, you know, growing, you know, when you're growing, I don't know how y'all feel about this, but let me know if y'all feel like this. Uh, because I get it a lot from a lot of people that say that a lot of people call them mean just because they standing on their boundaries and standards. It's a part of growing. I'm not taking and accepting what I used to back then because now I don't work through that and I don't want that for myself. So you get that a lot. Oh, she's evil, she's mean, she's mad. No, I'm not mad. I'm not mad at all. I'm just not accepting it. See, those people don't understand boundaries neither, right? And those people also don't, they probably lack a lot of self-respect for themselves. Because if you're a friend of mine, I see that you're growing, and it may be different for me too, because when you're growing, our relationship is changing, right? But if I see you growing somewhere, something totally better, I gotta adjust myself. Like, oh, my friend is moving along, it's time to get out of this space, you know what I'm saying? So I would be more proud of you if you, you know, even if you stand on bownies with me, yeah, standing on them because we we're not growing together, we ain't doing nothing. You're not doing anything, nothing. Yeah, especially like when you don't do certain things, like uh when I stopped like slow down on drinking, everybody was like, You ain't drinking, girls come on have a drink. They know to say, unless you be drinking, they don't even want to buy you a drink as soon as you say you've been drinking.
SPEAKER_02You got 50 drinks in front of you, like not even just that, not even just that. When you when you stand on that, right? And let's just say, I want to have a drink, right?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, because it's not a sin to have a drink, right? So let me have a drink. I wasn't, I thought you wasn't drinking. They quick that you call that point it out,
Drinking Identity And Friendship Pressure
SPEAKER_01and I'll tell a person in a minute, hey, chill on me. Mind your business. You're good. The drinking say, like, I I can testify to that. I'm telling y'all, I have been not alcohol-free for two and a half years, but I had stopped drinking slowly, yeah. Stop drinking two and a half years ago, and I can literally count on both my hands how many drinks I've had in two years. You know what I'm saying? So when I stopped that, that was big for a lot of people around me, and that kind of like adjusted my circle a little bit. I was a heavy drinker, like I could drink you up under the table and I'm still sober. Come on, still was sober. I was sober, I'm not fine because I ain't drink.
unknownThat's what I was saying.
SPEAKER_01And in my personality, I was drinking. So thank God I noticed the people around me. I still invite me out, they notice I'm still the same person. Like, I can still turn up, I can still have a good time. I just didn't have to have a drink. And I think that's a part of the identity crisis. You know what I'm saying? We go through different changes in our life, and that's okay. Where I might want to try something new, or I might want to give up something, or I might want to go back to it. You shouldn't be judged upon it, you know what I'm saying? Or the real if the relationship is solely based on those things, I think it's a part of the let go. Yeah, because if we can't be around each other and not drink, or we can't be around each other and not smoke, or we can't be around each other and not go to a party, then this is not really a relationship. I feel like relationships should be we can just talk on the phone. You could come to my house and I can cook or something and we can watch TV, I can nod out on the couch. Shoot, you can sit there and scroll on your couch. That's a real relationship. You know what I'm saying? But when it's transactional and every single thing, we gotta be planning something, we gotta be going to the bar. And then if I say I don't do this no more, now I'm a problem. And I don't understand like why do those type of things when I say I stopped doing something, or she says she stopped doing something so why is that a problem for you? Sometimes things are just necessary for our journey, right? So for me to stop drinking, that was for my health. Do you not care about my health? Exactly. Do you want me to continue to drink that and I just have a bust in my stomach? Now we both died. Are you crying at my funeral? Posting the motives. Okay, don't do that and making it about you. I should have never made a drink, it was my fault. Or people who don't want to go out. What did he say?
SPEAKER_02I told somebody I wasn't drinking.
SPEAKER_01Well, I just told somebody I want filigan. They asked me, was I pregnant? See what I'm saying? Sorry, you see what I'm saying? Yes, she but it's like see you judging you put it, but we put in this box, so it's like it's the drinking box, it's the smoking box. So it's like if I know I want to go drink, I can call Crystal because I know she's gonna be willing to drink. Now, if I call Crystal and Crystal tell me, Oh, I ain't drinking today, now I can't go hang out with Crystal. Why can't be oh well we can go do something else right because people don't know how to do stuff by themselves. No, I'm saying why we can't still do what we was doing just without her drinking, because they don't want to do it by themselves. Yeah, I guess they don't want to do it like I didn't need nobody, I don't need nobody to do nothing with me. I don't need nobody to drink with me when I was drinking, I need nobody to smoke with me when I was smoking, I need nobody to do nothing with me. I can do it by my damn self. That's how I know it was bad for me because I'm doing it with by myself and with that.
SPEAKER_02I didn't look at it like that because I see that my crap. And my period, you need you got some problems. And next thing I know, I done drunk a bag on a whole bottle of wine.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so but people don't know how to do stuff by themselves. But okay, so let me let me know. This also goes into people who who are if you're battling something and you really don't want to change something about yourself, you hang with people who don't go through the same stuff that's true because that stops you from growing, they stop you from changing. That's true. Okay, so let me say this is it bad to just yes, what did he say?
Friends In Boxes And Titles
SPEAKER_00That is hilarious.
SPEAKER_01So let me say this is it bad to have just those friends you can just party with. No, you can have friends for different reasons. Yeah, I'm about to say you got friends for different reasons. All friends are not the same, that's but I that's a problem within itself. Yeah, people feel some type of way, like I put I learned that I can't vacation with everybody. That's okay. That don't mean that I don't want to be your friend no more or I don't want to talk to you or be around you. I just know when it's my trip time, you can't come with me. Why do you think people struggle with that part? Like vacationing. I think no, like just being put in a box of because they want to be their only friend. No, not even just the only friend. I think people want to be an all-around friend, but not everybody's an all around. They're not, I'm not an all-around friend, and I'm not a jealous friend. If you find other friends, go ahead because I might not be not jealous. That's not what I'm into. So I'm sure I'm not be changed. Like, I am adamant on what I think, what I want to do, all that, and I'm okay with other people doing it. I could be out of town with everybody, and 17 people can say we going to the club, and I can say the only person I'm not going, and I'm okay with that. All of y'all go, I can stay behind, but everybody will have a problem with me. Why? Oh, you the party pooper, or why you're not why it just can't be that this is not what I want to do. I just don't think people mature, they're not mature, so this is like when I told y'all, I'm like, I'm not going to the Cardi B concert, right? Right? It's not that I don't like. Car to be, I just don't listen to her music, it's just certain music that I just don't listen to. She was offended. I'm be honest. Like, I I've never, I know you don't talk about my best. Like, I've never really been a rap person, right? Okay. So that's just that's just me. I have my rap people that I do like, but I don't really like a lot of raunchy like rap music, right? That's just me. And then when I changed my lifestyle, it's just a lot of stuff that I just don't do. I just don't do it. Right. Y'all did not beat me up for that.
SPEAKER_02You get what I'm saying? Like, I feel like you have to be mature.
SPEAKER_01I didn't say different girls.
SPEAKER_00You know, yeah. No, she did something different, though. She did something behind our back.
SPEAKER_02Monica was my friend. No, I'm going to come in a bit of a little bit. Let me know if you know Monica needs to come up too.
SPEAKER_01Because what happened to her was going to Cincinnati, so I didn't really know what time I was gonna be. But if you checked the last episode, okay, well that's what I did tell me because she was going and she stayed in up front. Me and Monica said we don't have a thousand dollars to stay up. That would be the only way I'm going for that. I want to be all the way up in the middle. Then they're gone anyway. So I was like, well, we ain't got no choice but to go. We sat in the middle because we had no choice but to not go down there. They was gone. No, I can't be all the way up there. Oh, you're talking about like up there at the up there 200. Period. I can't sit up there. My nerves is bad. I can't, but even if you sit in like the 100, I like one, those are nice. But I really like mezzanine. Those are my favorite walk around and not be yeah, secluded. I don't I don't like being secluded. That's why I don't really like seasons to ring the period. I like little seasons, like I don't really like. We're gonna let you and Monica know next time. Monica, leave us out. Monica, look, Monica, you on the list? Yeah, no, I love Cardi B. No, but no, no, so no, uh, seriously. No, but y'all didn't judge me for that, you know what I'm saying? And I'm gonna be honest, thank y'all. I love y'all for that. And I I knew y'all wasn't gonna do that, but I'm just saying, like, I like to live in my truth, you know. I'm saying, like how I live my life, right? That doesn't mean that I don't want to be around y'all, y'all know that, right? So it's just like when you tell people stuff like that, they be like, they still want to convert you back to the old person. No, she's gone yesterday. Who who was that? Who you talking about? You know, like my pastor said, when people try to convert you back to the old you, you just be like, who who you say? Who was that? I don't know what you're talking about. Exactly. You know, this is me. It comes with growth too. Because like I said, like before, I think everybody just thinks that they are an all-around friend. You're not. You got some friends that probably think that you they can call and pray with you. No, you can't, no, you can't, yeah. You can't, no, you can't. No, like there are people that think they can do it all, and the older we get, we realize like this friend is for this, that friend, and it's okay, you know. But you don't want your, you know, you don't want the friend thinking that it's bad that you're not an all-around friend. That's what I'm saying. I don't think I would ever tell nobody that though. I don't think I've ever told nobody. I think it's up to that person. Yeah, that's why I'm like if we use the words. I think it's up to that person too so loosely too loosely, yes. Just because I call this person every blue moon or whatever, and we hang out from time to time, that don't make it your friend. Right, you know what I'm saying? That makes it uh associate. This is somebody who occasionally I hang out with. I think the word friend should be used for that. If you my friend, just randomly, I should be able to call you for everything that I need to call you for. Yeah, if you are my friend, yeah, but if not, that's where the boxes come in. This is my person for this. If I want to go out and have a ratchet day, I'm gonna call this person. If I want to go out and do this, I'm gonna call that person. Why do you think we like people started using the word so Lucy? I think it's because you don't really just sit next to somebody like you, my associate, girl, because then it comes up. Yeah, introduce somebody, you'd be like, This is a good thing. I don't think it's been taught to us since this is my whole word. I don't think it was taught the right one. If it's a friend that you hang out with every now and then, but she's maybe still an associate, she's not just your friend, friend. How do you introduce that person? It wasn't say this is an associate. We usually just say this, my friend, such and such, such and such. Yeah, we didn't. So I think the word for me, I would I use it loosely, but I didn't expect for you to be that yeah, friend, friend, right? You know what I mean? I just said friend because I don't know how to just say, Hey, this is an associate, right? Yeah, I mean, I don't think I don't think I would say that though. I don't think I wouldn't say that for it. That's what I mean. So when we use the word loosely, that's how we're using it, and then everybody expect because I'm you said we're friends. We said we were friends, and I think that's because I'd be looking at you like associates, you say my name.
SPEAKER_02Or you couldn't do that, though. You can just say this is here, right? Just say my name. I'm ready. You say my name. What again?
SPEAKER_01Next time we go somewhere, if any one of you people say this is crystal, I swear to God. This is Crystal from the podcast.
SPEAKER_02This is my proposed. Y'all gonna start coming in here in her school's when we lose her hair. She goes for my oh shit. You're petty. There's gonna be a little shit face on the camera on that side, and y'all gonna be like, What's that? No, yeah. I don't think that when we when our parents have y'all's parents ever told y'all everybody ain't your friend, right? They never go into detail.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I realized my daddy ran into detail, she went to the bottom of the barrel. I'd be like, Oh girl, you said yours did in my I don't think man, I'm trying to see. I don't think so. I don't think you're one of my first period, my first friend. I think you know, when we in middle and high school, I think that's I don't know. I started realizing who's my you know, my best friends, you know what's like you know, the way that you treat each other like you said, could call each other, talk about this and that, you ain't gotta worry about the business getting out. That's how you you know determine who's your friend for this, that, for that, that. That's that but once you get older, yeah. Once you get older, if you still like the growing page, you know, it's just change your life, yeah, and we start having children and we start getting married, and life starts becoming more serious, and you're not just hanging out on the whim or just calling people. I don't even talk to my best friends every day. You know what I'm saying? We got so much shit going on. It's like relationships have to evolve, no matter if it's a friend, male, or female.
Outgrowing Close Friends And Future Dreams
SPEAKER_01And I think that's where a lot of us get stuck at. You know what I'm saying? We yeah, we be stuck on the titles because you knew this person for so long, but really, they really not a friend. I mean, and then you know, you do, you really do, and it's no bad but it's no beef, it's just that life took us in different directions, and you can link up with that person, and it can be like never never happened. Yeah, I grew up with people, and I can still link up with them, I can link up with them, and it'll be nothing. I am still talking regularly. Ain't no love you not friends with anymore. Ain't no love with anybody still grieving that I was, I mean, I don't think I am anymore. Still grieving a friendship that you had. I don't necessarily say I'm grieving at this moment now. I think I I have my moments where I miss I miss her, right? I have my moments where so you cut her off all the way. I had to, okay, yeah, yeah. I had to. It was I think it was mutual for the both of us, though. I don't think it's any love loss for real. I just think that it was just time, you know. We grew apart from each other, and I do have my moments where I do be wanting to pick up the phone and be like, girl, just stop acting like that, you know. Like, but I realized, like, no, I have to move past this. It wasn't a true friendship. No, because you said you wanted to pick up the phone, so yeah, I always think about that. It wasn't a true friendship for me. I mean, but was that when you were younger? Sometimes we think true friendships is something else when you know going into adulthood, right? So I think it was more of a friendship when we was younger than we was when we was kids. I mean, as an adult, like when we got older, it started getting kind of weird. Like, I was just like, I started seeing stuff, and y'all know me out conversation. We had a conversation, a deep conversation. Because it wasn't just on her, right? I'm not gonna put that all on her because I wasn't a great friend either at that time, but it was just like we both had a conversation, and I was just like, Okay, well, we both gonna do better, right? And then it just converted back to the same thing, and I'm just like, Yeah, then when I got married, she got into it with somebody with my wedding planner, and then it just went, What did I have to do with this? And then she just stopped talking to me, and I said, Yeah, I think this is the time, we're done. Because for you to just back out of my wedding wholeheartedly, like you just backed out of my wedding, just and I didn't do anything, you're mad at other people, and then I didn't do anything, and this is at the happiest moment of my life, and I'm just like, and I'm always there. You remember, like what you said, you always there for people, I'm always there for people in their happy moments, even in their sad moments, but I can't find nobody for me in my happy moments. I was like, Yeah, I'm done. You know, weddings are already kind of yeah, crazy weddings and funerals back in the day. Say they don't know. So that's what stopped me because I'm just like, Yeah, that hurt me, you know, it really hurts. Everything is overrated to me. It is now that I done got old. That's why I'm very like a new person, yeah. Everything that I want overrated, all the way down to I will let Kennedy get some mini mouth shoes out of Myers. I don't give a damn. The old me would not wear care to a child, yeah, yeah. You can be 10 years old, but you wanted to owe me, which y'all don't understand. Like, I just was so over the top, I feel like, with everything with myself, like feeling like, oh, I gotta have my hair done every two weeks. Like now, none of that is important. It's not, or you really so it's like I think about all of the money, all of the gas running back and forth to get my hair done, not going nowhere, like where I'm going to work, like it's just so many different things, or have to have this image where my kids have to have the Jordans in it versus what they want. Like, if Kennedy wants many of my shoes from Myers that light up, baby, get them because next week she's not gonna be able to fit. She ain't gonna be able to fit them. I'll okay. I I wouldn't be okay. I'd be like, Mom, you want the family dollar and got her, and now I'll be like, You want that? It's eight dollars, baby. Get it. So we'll get it.
SPEAKER_00I'll pick up Layla Dollar Tree and have a family dollar and which one to do.
SPEAKER_01So it's just like growing, you just learn so. You learn throughout the whole thing, like the pigback for you with uh grieving a friendship. I at one point was grieving two friendships, and mainly really just one. That's the other one. We're fine, we'll get there. But one, I was grieving one friendship, and that one I think it hurt the most, and it took a long time for me to grieve this friendship. But now that I I wish, I don't know if I wish this or not, I don't know. Maybe, but maybe when I was grieving it, I probably I felt like I maybe I could have picked up the phone and just did that olive branch. But I think I had did it once before, and it just resulted, it just went back to things that just didn't work out. So I aspired while I didn't, but I think we probably would have been able to fix it if I had. But now that I have already grieved it, I've already seen things that I don't want to be a part of, and I've already felt the things that I've grew out of. So it's like, oh, I don't even know if we could ever be that again. So I don't have no ill will to this person, nothing like that. It's just saying, I wish we could have stayed growing together versus separate because that was my role. Yeah, that's what it was. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_02Your friend that you I was I was we had a conversation about we didn't care if we was married or not married, if one of us was married and the other one wasn't, we were still moving in the same retirement.
SPEAKER_01I said the same thing, we were still gonna move out of the state with something so crazy that you have a person that you that close to, where there is nothing in the world that anybody can tell you at that moment, and I think that's a part of growing pains too, yeah, to prepare a life for yourself and then have to grieve it because it's some people who I never would have saw my life without. Yeah, in my picture, you couldn't tell me that they wasn't there and and they not there now, so it's just like it's weird, it's a hard people because you you do that so much with that person, you know. With that type of person, I grew with this person for so long, and for and I think I think I was definitely that friend who had friends everywhere, and I was one of those people that's just likeable. And yeah, I got this set of friends, and it's this people, and it's this people. So I was never, yeah, I was never coming on. So I had a friend who didn't like that, like, oh you friends too many people, or you cool too many people, and they just didn't like that. And I think at it, and at the time I was branching off to so many different people, and I was also changing in life, having another child. Now I'm headed to getting married, so I think my groan was just going too much for this person, and then we were just kind of growing apart. If we would have stopped and had a conversation and fixed what was going on, we would we would have been okay, I think.
SPEAKER_02But we grew apart too much, and then time just it just seemed like she was jealous, never kind of never you can't have thinking a friend to yourself, like there's no you know, but some friends are like that, and I I feel like they are selfish.
SPEAKER_01Some friends don't want to hang with other people, they'll take that as fake self, but it's not fakeness because I the love is not lost. Now I'm up here thinking about it. I did have one best friend when I was younger, and we parted ways. Y'all know what's so crazy. I don't even know why we stopped talking. See, that's the thing, you really don't be knowing that's why I did a conversation. Like when I got older, I don't even remember. But you know what? Another thing, too, like having a lot of friends was I was younger, that was kind of impossible for me when I was younger because my family is we were always together, like all the girls. So
Family Ties And Drama On Facebook
SPEAKER_01it was like, that's my best friends. My cousins is my best friend because we were all the same ages, so that's why we kind of a family. I be seeing how people be on Facebook, like my cousin is I don't like my family, my sister dead to me. Like it be so many people talking about their family on Facebook or or re-sharing little posters, like I got this one cousin, and I just be looking like I've never not once seen my family post no stuff like that. My family was really stern on this is your family. When we went trick-or-treating, it was a whole block of us, like it was that's the type of family we I have grown into. I mean, that's and I wish my kids could, you know what I'm saying? I love my family for that because that's why I love my family so much, and I'm so close with my family because we grew up with them. No, but my granddad, oh, everything was at his house every holiday in his little house, everybody in his little house, big field on the porch. Like normally when grandma or grandpa pass away, that's when everything faded away, fade away because that's what happened to mine. We was like we're trying to get back with the same street, like that. Yeah, yeah. All my mother's siblings live on the same street, and my grandmother too. But now I I could tell you sometimes I don't know when the last time I seen cousins or any of that, when you going from seeing these people every day. Every day, like yes, every other weekend or something like that.
SPEAKER_02Used to be at my grandma's house every day. Everybody used to come over there after school. Why? Come home. I used to be like, I used to love going up to my granddad's house. Like, I'm always gonna see my cousins.
SPEAKER_01We just don't get together like we should, and it's so many of us, especially a lot of chicks too. I wish our kids knew each other like that because they don't. Ever since our granddad passed, we don't have no functions no more. Yeah, when we do get together, we have boy, but we definitely should be a lot closer than where we are. Yeah, it's so many of us. Yeah, I don't know. I wouldn't even put my family on spot like that on social media and stuff like that. Like, what for what? Why you just didn't have a talk with them with me and my cousins getting too much. There's no going back though, and sometimes you can't put nothing on Facebook about me, and they think we're about to talk. Well, sometimes people will push you, you know what I'm saying? Why we all gotta keep leaving off the screen?
SPEAKER_00Something you do too, something will push you to doing that, and at one point, it was like that was the only way people felt like somebody could hear them was on social media.
SPEAKER_01So that's I think that's the reason why family started bringing all of the drama to social media because it's like, okay, if I got something to say and I want everybody to hear it, this is where I can do it at, but they took away the it's a time and it's a place for everything, amen. So for me, that's all a boundary because you don't put no business on Facebook. What is wrong with you? There's no there's no coming back because I already know you're talking about me because we just was arguing last week. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, there's no good.
SPEAKER_02I think it started with the young with the younger generation that had that in you know access to the internet. That's what I no, because these health is not everyone in my family.
SPEAKER_01A lot of times, no, when it's like when it first started, what I experienced, I feel it was my younger, you know, my younger cousins that wouldn't do that stuff. But we got respect, yeah. That's another thing. And then they that's how you can know who was raised right. Because if your mama raised you right, there's no way you on social media talk about my aunt. So you can never see me saying something.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you can't do that.
SPEAKER_01Because if I do it, like I don't even cuss in front of my mama. That's how we don't need respect. I have you have yeah, people that just be cussing in front of their mama. And I don't I don't allow my friends to cuss in front of my mama. Oh my friends better not. I don't give a dude. But that's why I say we was all raised. Everybody ain't cussing around my mama either.
SPEAKER_00We was raised different, they're not raised the same way. That's just like we cussed when we was in uh middle school, high school. But if somebody's parent was around, yeah, you don't respect to not do it.
SPEAKER_01I don't care. I I disagree. I you'll be surprised how many from our generation are the ones acting this way. Yes, when I say parents let them cuss. True, but I mean I didn't want to be their caught off guard when I see somebody my age or a little bit older, or we all went to the same page do something, it's just like what the hell in front of your parents.
SPEAKER_02We all grew up together, like I thought we all were on the same page. No, like I never smoked in front of my mama.
SPEAKER_01Me never smoked in front of my parents. We went out to eat. When we went out to eat, I didn't get a virgin back. I'm over 30. Nah, I'll get a dack. No, I'm getting a drink. I did.
SPEAKER_02Um when I was grown, I was getting a drink, but I wasn't getting skunky drunk.
SPEAKER_01I was very excited when I was drinking.
SPEAKER_02Like when we go out to eat, I was getting me a drink. But I was not over drinking.
SPEAKER_01What you say? I was very excited when I got my drink from my mama. What you gonna do? Now I see where MJ get it from. The younger you. Yeah, no, no, that ain't no. I was never like him. Outspoken, like what my outspoken.
SPEAKER_02I'm still laughing at that post. That's crazy. This this needs to be reported. This is no, but I speak when I first said it's more. I'm like younger at social media. Um look, look, I don't even want to say it. What did it what did they say? Dick's uh Dick Sport Sporting Good. He's like very upset. I always want to know, like, why I don't like it either. I don't understand why they named it that either.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I mean at this age, yeah. Yeah, when you're younger, 21, 22. It's just it's all about the settings. It's all it's again, it's a time and a place for everything. It depends on who, what, and your relationship in a relationship that you have with them. It's only a long time get comfortable to sit there and get to my mom. It was really uncomfortable at first. Like, girls, my mama not a drinker, so I don't I can't have it. She might not be a drinker, you know what I'm saying? So it's different. So just I don't get stucky drunk. That's that's all. What else are we outgrowing, y'all, that hurt? Like, I remember when you said something about outgrowing yourself, like that. I think that hurts the most.
Parenting Adult Children Through Big Changes
SPEAKER_01It does. When you grieving like you die, you're grieving your old self because everything that I once knew is no longer. Everything is changing, and the most the most thing for me is dealing with adult children. Like, no one knows how much that changes you, how much that opens stress you need to say, stress that it brings, girl. And people always say what they won't do until they're there, until they happen. And it's just like And then what you gonna do if your kid don't listen? What can you do as an adult if your kid don't listen? It's the hardest thing. Beat them up, the most stressful pray, whoop them, right? All you can do, pray and go on about your work attacks. Anxiety set in, that's it, stress set in, anger. They think they know it at the age. Everything that you once have never felt before creeps in, like feelings that have never came inside of me before. I didn't feel so yours is out, not outgrown. Growing pains. The growing pains of of letting go of them being a child. Letting them not a child, no more. They want to grow, they want to go. Their mistakes is theirs to make. It's really uh that's true. It's something that I don't think you can explain. I think it's a path that everybody just has to walk because everybody don't walk the same one. But you really have to look in the mirror and re-evaluate you because you are a mirror, and a lot of people don't understand that. Like you are a mirror to your daughter, you are a mirror to your son, the things that you allow, the things that they see, what you present to them, every choice that you make, things that you thought didn't bother them, bother them, things that you thought they didn't see, they saw, things that you think that they wasn't aware of, they was aware of, and it's like now you have to live and all of that. And I think as a parent, we don't understand so many of our choices affect our children. Yes, and that's like ripping a band-aid off a womb that have to keep getting it. And now that I'm out of horse, too, I can see why people wait till they can't. To get older to get a divorce, yeah, because they don't want to rip their family apart. These kids really take divorce hard. You think you're going through it? Your kids want through it because they like you. I don't think that's the part that I never cared about. But even if they've grown, I feel like even if they're if even if they're older, you wait. I still feel like it's a it's a grieving process for them still. I definitely understand that. I just I mean, of course, like you said, you would never know what you do until you in it, right? Yeah, like you don't know if you would do that. I just remember like when I was younger, I wanted my mom and my dad to get the portion. I'm like, all y'all do was yell at each other. Can y'all hurry up and crystal? I promise you. A lot of kids feel like a lot of kids. I was like, I promise y'all, I would think we gotta stay together for the kids. The kids really be like, no, just go play. So that's probably how I see it differently. I was in a household where like my mom and my dad love each other to death. You hear me? So I don't I didn't understand their love because that was too much for me. Probably because I grew up watching TV thinking this is how love is supposed to be, and y'all do not look like what is on TV. So please exit. Like, I was literally praying, like, oh my god, can they just divorce? Please get it over with. So for me, like that with me and my husband with my kids. I promise you, like, I I'm not gonna say I don't care what my kids feel if me and my husband was ever divorced. It's just I literally would have to put, I gotta put myself first because your kids are gonna grow up and leave you. They're going to leave y'all. I don't make this. Yeah, you're not going to leave. You can't have women before their children. We'll pray about it every time. That's the first thing they're gonna say. I'm not putting no man above my kids. My kids come first. And them kids open your ass, right? You in your face, and you the gave 20 years. They will come on.
SPEAKER_02That's what I'm saying. And now you left and lonely, and they got a name or a woman.
SPEAKER_01Listen, you could have got off 20 years ago, but you stay here and gave this man that you wasn't supposed to be with 20 years to the kids. That's why when people like, uh, I don't want my kids to leave. I'm sorry. I want mine to grow and have their own. Please. I gotta grow up one day. I mean, I wanna I need to get my life one day. It's a different road. They can stay with me forever. They can stay with me forever. No, I didn't want my kids. I want my kids. I'm not saying rush your kids out, but you want to make it. You really want your kids to stay with you for the rest of your life. No, no, I think that's a lot of identity, no, identity as well to have these plans I want them to grow up. We always said 18, 18. Now that my children is past 18, I don't know for the life of me how I did it. I still look in the mirror every day and be like, How? How did you do all of what you was doing at 18, 19, 20? Because these amazing these boots, if I put them on them and strap them up for them, they don't have the willpower, they don't have the strength, they don't have the knowledge of what they most definitely don't have the knowledge, they don't have but they also have better resources
Kids Today Face Constant Online Pressure
SPEAKER_01than us. They do, they have this internet where everything is in their hands, but at the same time, that's pressure, and that's what they have that we didn't have. They have so much pressure. We didn't get to look into everybody's lives, we only got to see what your cousin got for Christmas if they came over and showed you. You only got to see what your next door neighbor got for their birthday if they came over to show you. They get to show how everybody lives, what everybody gets it. So it's a pressure on them to be somebody that they don't really have to be. It's a pressure on them to be somewhere that they don't really have to be. So they put this pressure on themselves to grow up faster, to leave faster, to do all these things when they don't even have the resources or anything. They're also lazy too. They are actually very lazy, they are very lazy. And that's somebody just said in our comments, it makes them lazy. It does. I think it makes them just a little bad because nobody's chasing nothing. It does. Like, I remember going to the library to do book reports. These kids just google everything. They Google everything is on the phone, everything is on the phone. So they have the bad hands. But their life is actually harder, their life is more at risk. More at risk gonna happen if everything shut down y'all are lost. Everything is just expensive. Like I said, they see everything right before it's happening, they get to know what everybody got, how everybody's living. They think they're supposed to have 20 bands, okay, at 16, 17 years old. They think they first car should be brand new with leather seats and touch screens. Okay, they think that they first you know why they should make because we made them that way. We made them that way. That's what I'm saying. We made it too easy for them. It's so hard to deal with that and know what all we went through and deal with because they're not built for it. So that's a growing pain for you. That's a growing pain. That's
When One Boundary Changes Everything
SPEAKER_01a growing pain for you. Yeah, a growing pain for me right now is like I said, still trying to outgrow my old self. Like I feel like my old self and my today self is battling with each other, and it's not necessarily for me, it's confusing because it's not necessary in a bad thing, was it? Yeah, because she said it was not necessary. It's not necessary for me, it's not necessarily a bad thing either. So, my old self, I'm not trying to get away from that person because there's nothing that I like hate about it, right? I mean, the things that I wanted to get away from, I've been away from it already. I was away from when my old self was away from me. I mean, right. So the part that's battling it is I don't even know how to explain this. Think what are what are the things I'm susp uh I'm sus uh uh sensible to? No.
SPEAKER_02What are some things that I am supposed to supposed was not coming out? She can't see what I was saying.
SPEAKER_01It's not verbum, everything is given to them and it's not her. Like, what are the things I'm supposed to accept and I'm not supposed to accept? Like, I battled with that even with my kids, with my marriage, with friends. Like the boundaries is what's really getting killing me, right? Because the things that I didn't set boundaries on, I mean, that's just a part of my character, and it didn't make me a bad person or me a mean person, like people think, or is these boundaries necessary? That's what I'm I'm struggling with. Like, is this particular boundary necessary? Like, it's certain things that I know I'm supposed to put my foot down on, right? But then it's hard for me because I'm like, if I put my foot down on this one thing, it's mean. No, you don't want to hurt nobody. I'm gonna say, no, she's doubting her down on other things. You know what I'm gonna put? I be self-doubting myself. It's one thing, like, I know if I put my foot down on this, my life is going to change. Yeah, you see, you feel guilty about it. You ain't ready for that change. I don't know if I'm ready for that change. I don't know if it's changed, if this is a boundary I'm supposed to be setting, neither. Like, I battle with it. Like, am I supposed to be doing this? Or is this one of those things is like you let that go? I don't know, but I'm telling you right now, when I if I put this boundary right down, my life is going to change. It's it's gonna change drastically. So I battle with that right now. Like, I'm I'm so why are you battling if with it if that's what you want? Exactly. Because sometimes I don't know if it's me being maybe I don't know, brat. Is it me just asking for too much? Is it me look oh battle with that? I just don't know. It's not so I struggle with that. Like, I'd be like, come on guys, send me something. Yeah, and I pray about it all the time. But I will I tell you one thing though, I don't want to be resentful about it either because I get where I'm just like, if this don't happen for me, I'm about to but if it's something that's needed, it is, but if it's something that's needed, then it needs to happen. Uh and I think sometimes as a parent with us setting boundaries, and we know these things are going to change, we battle within ourselves. Yeah, but when I know that it's hurting your little feelings, it's a beneficial to my child and to myself and to my household, I'm going to do it. Yes, I'm going to say it and I'm just standing on it. It's not about me, but you also are showing them that hey, I'm stern, I'm standing on it.
SPEAKER_02This is what happens, and it's okay for you to stand on yourself too.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, when it's time to make those boundaries. I think you you can do it, you can do it. So that's what I wanted to ask before Crystal took it a little bit, but I'm gonna twist
Why Going Back Still Hurts
SPEAKER_01it up a little bit. Like you said, outgrow yourself. Have you outgrow a person or something or anything in your life and tried to go back to the old? Have y'all ever? Yeah, yeah. That's what I was talking about when I thought about when I asked certain friends, and it was like you're trying to go back. Y'all ain't never hung around a friend, and you ain't seen a friend in a long, long time, and then you go back and hang with your friend, you just like this is why I was gonna phone in the past I haven't had that. It's happened to me, it's it's been for me, it was men, it has happened to me before, and it was it was me talking or not, it was it hurt my feelings. I'm like, but I don't want to have man, mean a man, yeah, like a man. Like if I it was me trying to get an ex another year, I think it's up to a year. Not even over, like not even just give him like a chance, but just to have that person back in my life, no, I was just like, uh but you're different now, that's why. Yeah, you set boundaries now, so that's what boundaries are. Like, nah, I see why I do say that, and you see why I'm dealing this or I'm not dealing with this.
SPEAKER_02Sometimes you have my butt, but and it still hurt though, you're gonna still deal with it.
SPEAKER_01It still hurt to cut, it still hurt to even go back to that, and then once you realize, like, damn, I really gotta let this person go. Yeah, like, and you'll be like, damn, but this person cool. See me, I'm a vibe person. Yeah, I like people that give a good vibe, like, especially if you can hold a great conversation. You can just be friends, everybody ain't meant to be that, but sometimes you can't even be that that person's friend. So I feel like we're not meant to be uh in everybody's life for forever. That's right. Everybody has a comment and say you're right, a reason, and sometimes just for that moment. And some some people come to your life just to stay for years, years on end, right? So I just I just feel like when once you know that and you have that mindset, because that's my mindset now. I don't even go off into it. I that's my mindset. So once I have that mindset now, I'll be like, okay. So when it that person departs, I don't feel no type of way. You shouldn't have was never a big problem for me, neither. Like, I can cut you off, and and if it was necessary, needed for like, for example, come if you're trying to break up an X or anything, but I don't like it.
SPEAKER_02Look, and it's just this conversation.
SPEAKER_01But a long time ago, like I said with Tyria, her father passed away, right? So the boyfriend that I had at the time, he became like in her life, like peripheral. He was around since she was like seven, eight months, all the way until she was like four, and that's who she knew. But it got where I didn't see no growth in this person for me, right? It was like, oh man, like I was seeing it for so long. So that was kind of like planning my skate ride, giving chances, but still at the same time, like I may have to dislike disconnect, right? It hurt my feelings to do it. It was a great guy, just was not gonna go nowhere for me. So when I had to cut that off, this person really wanted to stay in her life. And of course, we you know you young, you ain't got no ain't no daddy here anyway, and you've been here this time, I'm down for it. Long as you actually do the right. Yeah, right. But I was like, it's if you actually take this role like on some like we're just co-parenting, and this is your job for real, I'm down for it. And that's what we did for a couple months. But for me, I'm the type of person if you're gonna be all in, you're gonna be all in. Homeboy was showing signs after months of a deadbeat. So you can't be a deadbeat, you're not the real daddy. So we really gotta cut ties. Okay, it's getting too. I had to make the decision that this while my baby is only what three, four years old, it's best to cut ties with you now so she won't remember you, right? And that hurt homeboy's feelings. I understood it, I get it, but no, we ain't doing that. So I remember cutting ties with that person. So it just I'm always been impressed. If I don't see nothing coming out of this, and I will give chances, I give chances after chances after chances. But once whatever that wall, wherever my wall is, I don't know what it is. When I'm done, I'm done. And I was done. And here, yeah. Once I'm once you're done with me, you're done with my kids. Yeah, really? Yeah, once you're done with me, you're done with my kids. But anybody, uh if they ain't the daddy, huh? Oh, you're talking about for relationships. Oh, you mean a man? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_01No, even with friendships, too. Oh, why? Because I don't know. And see, that's the total opposite of how I feel. I feel like I did that. We was really that once before. Now I'm not gonna tell them not to talk to the kids, right? Oh, but that's what I thought. No, no, not kids, kids. No, what if I'm done like say like all of us, right? We're cool, and all of our kids get close. I'm not, I wouldn't tell my kids not to talk to y'all kids. Oh, okay, but you would tell them not to talk to us. Yeah, I'll be like, No, it's because if you gotta be disrespectful, be like, My mama said I can't talk to you. Oh, that shows though because kids are acting funny when parents go through things, and it be because kids hear grown people stuff.
SPEAKER_02No, I just feel like they can be over to y'all's house. Why? I would say if they've been coming over to my house, and If they've been dealing with you, I don't know.
SPEAKER_01No, I've never done that. I and that's the problem I have because I have a problem with people building a relationship with with people, kids, yeah, and then because the relationship with me and you go sour, I feel like the kids don't have nothing to do with that. If I rock with you, but I rock with the kids no matter what, yeah. But everybody ain't like that though. But if we real friends, that's what it should be. But that's different, right? Oh by now, baby, you know. I don't know sometimes because you probably that mad at me, you might mistreat my kid with me. But you know, there are all these based off the relationship with a child on that extra relationship.
SPEAKER_02That's what you know. And I think it's the person.
SPEAKER_01You've never showed me no wrong, you're not gonna be around my kid anyway. I'm not having my kid around nobody who I can't trust. Period. If I can't trust you fully, you're the one if a pressure got a relationship with you, that's fine. I expect you to continue that relationship with you. What if your kid had a relationship? Not depending on me and you're not gonna be a good one, like your kid 12 years old, now they know that person their whole life, and that's like now we followed. Okay, so I wouldn't mind that in particular, but once that person starts showing signs of falling off on that situation, I would have to cut it, and then it all depends on the age, too, right? I did have a situation where I had a friend, she was close to my daughter, but she didn't hold when me and her stop being friends, she still didn't hold up that relationship that she used to have. Is it was like it's she made it weird to the kid too, yeah. So I was just like, Yeah, no, but I'm still kind of funny acting when it comes to that because if you're mad at me, I just don't know what you're gonna do to my child. I just let my kids mad at all. I don't really know that, I don't feed my kids nothing about anybody, whatever relationship they have, they're gonna build it on their own. I wouldn't want them necessarily to stop talking to that particular person. But it'll fall off if they're not treating them the same way, and then I I don't know, I guess it's just the the the protectiveness in me where I just want to protect my child from that because it's not their fault that our friendship fell off, right? Right, so now you got this. But I know people would people do act funny. People do act funny, though. People do have to do that. I mean, they do. I don't I mean, hey, they don't be around my kids no more, but I don't think they would do something. If they tried to, no, I wouldn't necessarily say that they would do something to them, but it's a funny act, you just don't, it's a funny acting when they start actually trying to say it's a funny acting. So if my if my kids are look at it like that you always treated them this way, but now you're not friends no more, you treat them like an associate. I mean, yeah, that's different. Is that what you're saying? Like that's that's anybody. So I think that's what she's saying. If you change their relationship with the kid, then there's no point in the kid being friends with you. Yeah, but I can't see no adult doing that, right? Because I mean, but because that could go anyway, we could be not no friends, not no part of your call for my kid, and then now I cut you off because you acting weird to my kid. So acting weird to the kid, I think that's just give or take if somebody mistreating your kid. But if me and you friends for 15 years and you my baby god mama and I'm yours, and we fall out, I expect everything to stay the same. Stay the real, but it don't be in a relationship happen like that. Yeah, so everybody knew you know what, and I that's how I expect it. Like, I I you expect it. Right, because I would never do that. You would be funny acting to me all day. Don't be getting right to my kids, right? So that'll be a reason I would definitely cut my kid out. That's different, that's different. Yeah, just because we ain't talking, don't mean you can't come get my baby on you. You know what I'm saying? I mean, you have to do something insanely crazy for me to cut my kid off for you if we was just friends, like if we just not friends at the moment or just not kicking it or we're not rocking right now, that's different. But if I don't know, you would have to do something real extreme for me to oh no, you have the kid like too. I don't know. I don't have a I don't know how else I would cut you out my kid like I don't know. I just that's just you have to do something crazy. No, people cut it. That's just self-out. But like that's what she's saying. But they are kind of different, so they do kind of so I and I just went through something like
Protecting Kids When Adults Fall Out
SPEAKER_01this, y'all. I'm trying not to speak on it, but I'm trying, I just literally just went through this and I'm trying my right, but they did not cuss that person out. So that she didn't necessarily we the the friendship grew apart, right? But at the same time, like my baby girl was like really close to her, so I was still allowing my baby girl to call her, right? So when she stopped answering the phone, because then she picked up the phone and then hung up on my baby. I was pissed. It was intentionally, I think it was because she didn't even call back. Because normally she would call back, right? If it was something like that. So normally she would call back, but then it's just like, oh, now you just want to cut my baby off. Oh no, I'm be honest with y'all, like I don't play about my kids. So when I see her, I'm I'm trying not to say nothing, but you know, I mean, it's a conversation just to have. No, I'm good. It's different when it comes to your kids, y'all. I know and it's different. Oh, my friend made you feel like that. I was thinking you were saying, like, the relationship done just yeah, let me talk no more. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's the way I have some people that do that. No, say he will. No, I will though. Listen, that's messed up. So I can't talk to MJ. No, if we're not friends no more, no, you can't have access to my kid like you used to. I mean, sometimes I don't trust it, especially if the relationship is not there, right? Now, like I said, I don't mind if you had a close relationship with my child and you you want to still have that. Something has to really happen. You can't just say, just because y'all not friends no more, you don't trust that person. I still trust because you're not just gonna let call nobody no friend and don't trust them. But I feel like your kids with me, your family we're done with the friendship and we're done with the friendship, you're not my friend no more. So there's no respect at the at the end of the day. There's no respect, there's no loyalty, there's no trust. That means something happened bad. So, not necessarily, we just not friends no more, right? But just because we're not friends no more don't mean that I don't respect you, or that you know what I'm saying, I will hurt your kids, or that I will hurt your kids, it can just be that our relationship ran this. People will be there. Yeah, I got a lot of friends. I got a lot of friendships that just ran this course, and I don't think that they would do whatever for their kids, yeah, or even for them. If people know I've seen it, I think they are, but I feel like people are with give you something to make you feel like they would do something to your child, you know. It had to be something, nothing. I'm just cut like that. Um I just don't I just don't like it, especially if especially if I still allow you to talk to my child afterwards. See, I think that's what changed your your okay when she hunger than half she started being weird to your baby, yeah. But I'm even like that with my like so. If I bring if I have a boyfriend and they've been to my kids, like once I'm done with you, you done we're done. Now, my ex-husband, I still he allow him to have access to my girls because this is something that I sat down and had a conversation with them because we were together for years, so I I didn't want to just cut him off. I did, I ain't gonna lie, but the girls didn't, so I allowed them to say, Okay, well, I still want to have this relationship. So he's the only man, I'm be honest. Him and my son's father, because they raised my kids and they still are present, still to this day, they still take care of my girls and everything else. But anybody else, once we break up, you broke up with my kids too. Because I feel like you're trying to keep attached. You're not gonna tell me I can't talk to her. You're not gonna keep attached to my you. I feel like you just want to keep attached to my kids to keep attached to me and see what's going on with me. I can't know the man, I can't see no woman. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, even a man. No, I said a man. I said a man. Oh, the man, I said because you said the person you was with for a lot of years, they still have a relationship. Because I was just about to ask that because my mother and my stepfather, they was together, they still together. But when I was young, I used to say, if Reggie leave, I'm going. That's the relationship I had with him. You know what I'm saying? So it's like us grown-ups can't put the kids in all of our stuff all the time. No, we gotta let them decide on their own. I just feel like as long as we don't plant seeds about people in our kids' head, they get to have a clear mind to have a relationship and deal with this person on their own circumstances. Like, if you still want to deal with that person, go right ahead based off your feelings. As long as they don't do nothing to make you feel some type of way, I'm okay with that. Because you want them to have that relationship with them when you in when you're in a relationship with this man. So it's like I built this bond with this kid or do whatever, and now we don't work out, and you just want to, it's just we done. There's a comment. So I gotta quit it. Somebody asked me a question.
SPEAKER_02It says, So, Keila, if your friends, if your friend had kids, do you say F F they kids since y'all not kids? No, I wouldn't necessarily Yes, you do.
SPEAKER_01It can't be one sided.
SPEAKER_02You got to. That's what you basically. Let me ask the question. No, I don't necessarily say F the kids, right?
SPEAKER_01But I would not just put myself in a I would definitely have a conversation with their mother if we didn't have if we wasn't friends. Me, I'm gonna be like, hey, is it okay if I still talk to your child because we're not close? Or say, you know, hey, I still wanna, or I tell the child, hey, let your mama know that this is what I want to do, and we can have a conversation. I'm an adult, so let me speak to your mama. Yeah, I wouldn't mind it, even if it was the other way around.
SPEAKER_02But I feel like sometimes people just don't know how to be adults, right? I and that's the problem.
SPEAKER_01You gotta be one person that doesn't. I feel like we put our kids in the situation. That's why I wouldn't do that. And I don't necessarily like to do that. They shouldn't be a really dog. I feel like they, and that's the problem. A lot of our kids get drugged into all of our relationships, all our problems, all of our when they don't have to, you could just let them be kids. Yeah, so if they drawn to this person, it's naturally, it's because they give them something. If they call it too, so they gonna know. They don't know. Other than that, they they're not, and I treat my kids like that, even grandparents, whoever, whatever relationship you have with them is the one you built. It's not nothing that I told you, showed you, or any of that. You have to let them build that for themselves. Yeah, I just feel like other than that, it's like a plant to see. It's like, oh, we don't like her. So now all of a sudden, they it's automatic. Mama said we don't like her. We don't like her. Yeah, I'm glad that that isn't how it is. But if you don't say nothing, they're gonna go off of whatever the feeling is that they give them. Yeah, well, if y'all listening tonight, if y'all reading these comments, you will see that if Marley doesn't like you, his kids are not gonna like you either, huh? Marlon, yeah, you we on the same thing. Y'all are on the same thing, y'all are out of control.
Key Takeaways And Your Growing Pains
SPEAKER_01But um, yes, um, thank y'all for tuning in with us tonight. If y'all can go in them comments, let us know any growing pains that you have, any growing pains that is hard for you. Speak, bring up something that we did not bring up tonight because there's so many different grown pains that we didn't even get a chance to touch on. Oh my god, because it's a lifelong situation, it's something we're gonna deal with for the rest of the time. About friends leaving friends, lot of stuff. Yeah, you got friends.
SPEAKER_02You what she's talking about me.
SPEAKER_01Anyway, okay, he's okay. She is okay, but you know what? There's some growing pains, and just like these ladies here tonight, they have to just grow and understand they could not go to the Cardi B concert with me. You have to go over it. But I will go Marlon next time. I will call her and let you know that y'all want to come to the next one. She'll let you come in. No, because next time we're gonna have our own tickets. Well, that's not fair, Monica. This is your fault. I blame Monica. Thanks, y'all, for tuning in with us, and we'll see y'all on another live. Yes, comment, y'all. Good night, good night. Jason.